It’s the age old story: meet someone, start dating, fall in love, get married, have a kid or a few and that’s the end of the story, right? Wrong! If it’s one thing the Pandemic has taught my family and I is that there is a continuous need for connection with other people (or pets/animals), even introverts need some level of connection. But all too often we end up just getting back into the grind of everyday life, forgetting that we can be more than just mom or dad. Honestly, before kids entered the picture, most of us were in a deep, romantic relationship with our spouse. Then along come children and it can feel more like living with a roommate. Somehow we need to get back into the habit of having meaningful time together with our spouse, remembering who we once were and that we loved each other before we had children to love. Mind you, this is based on my own opinions and personal experiences, but I feel like many of you can relate. And since I am an organizer by nature, my life up to this point can be looked at in 3 stages, but I’m sure more will come as my kids continue to grow into adults.
Stage 1: Newborns to Toddlers
First-of-all, a huge kudos to my husband for recognizing the need and being that someone who pushed me to socialize during this stage of child-rearing. I have not felt, nor have I met anyone who has felt, attractive after having a baby. Pretty much all the changes a woman’s body goes through during pregnancy and postpartum (in record time!) do not leave her with a sense of desirability. Let’s face it, most of us are sore in more areas than one, barely have time to shower, let alone shave, and spit up on our clothes is the usual accessory of the day….just hand me a pair of sweatpants please! And when they become toddlers? Well I think I can fulfill the role of napkin and tissue with such theatrical accuracy that I shouldn’t have a problem being cast as one in a Bounty or Puffs commercial. I think this constant need from our little ones, which is time-consuming and demanding, leads to a feeling of isolation, even between spouses/partners.
I remember when the older three were newborns, each time my husband would arrange to take me out on a date (couldn’t really happen with baby #4 because of the Pandemic). It was so difficult that first time; clothing didn’t fit right, my body was different, worrying about the baby, worrying about having to pump…ugh! I get it, it’s hard to leave a newborn. But honestly, the sooner you “pull off the band-aid” the better. You both need moments where you feel “normal” and that first time out is always the hardest. It does get easier because you realize it’s healthy for you and baby. Caring for a baby and toddler is non-stop, but “time off” is restorative; you have more patience, you feel calmer, the stress of always caring for someone isn’t weighing you down, wearing attire that isn’t lounge-wear changes your mental state and you and your partner are rejuvenating your relationship with each other in its romantic roots. Everyone always says taking a shower after having a baby helps you feel better, imagine what a date can do!
Stage 2: Small Children to Tweens
This is a very evolving time because as your children get older they need you less and less in a “hands-on” capacity. You start off this age group still doing a lot of care work: making lunches, driving them to various activities and play-dates (where you get to hang out with other exhausted parents), school functions, arranging every appointment for them imaginable, helping them dress, bathe, teeth brushing, etc…
Towards the upper end of this age group you still dropping them off at activities and “hang-outs”, but, hopefully, you’re no longer having to help them pack their lunch or assist them with their hygiene. So, does this mean you have more free time? Uh, no. You see, they still need to be driven everywhere and they are involved with multiple activities year round all of equally great importance to them. Also, if you have multiple children, then you and your spouse are probably playing the “who is going where and when” game. This used to be played with post-its and a huge calendar, potentially color-coded as well. Once everyone has received their marching orders, you all scatter in different directions. Perhaps you can wave to each other as you pass on the road…? This time period is known by many parents as “two ships passing in the night”.
In fact, because of how little you are actually home, you may find that you and your spouse need to be even more intentional about date night. No longer are you shedding the work of “new parenthood”, now you literally need to change out of your work clothes that you’ve been wearing since 4 am and don some casual date night attire and then reconnect after a week’s chaotic ferrying.
Stage 3: Teens
There is a little evolution during this stage, but not as drastic. Your tiny human is almost fully developed, with some minor tweaking still to occur. They develop the ability to drive, no longer requiring you to chauffeur them all over this wonderful earth. With this ability, you may find some time has been added to your schedule, but that depends on if you have younger kiddos who still need to be driven and cared for. Your weekends are probably still busy attending the competitive events your kid(s) participates in, but you have more freedom to interact with other adults and your spouse. Please note, this does NOT count as a date. However, as you begin to enjoy a little more free time, what no one really tells you is that your fears/concerns for their safety increase immensely. And this is a significant enough reason for you to reconnect/redevelop a deep and supportive relationship with your spouse. I wish I could tell you that everything will be just fine and there really isn’t anything to worry about, but tragedy in our extended family has me never taking anything for granted. Also, to be totally transparent, I am a worrier. So, for me, these date nights are a great release and reconnect for me – a release from the day-to-day worries and a way to reconnect with my husband.
Having said all this, I do struggle to remember my husband. Sometimes I am just too tired, but there are times where I could push myself a little more to be attentive to him. I have to remember that he struggles with falling into the type-cast roll of ‘dad’ as much as I fall into my role as ‘mom’. He could probably use that night out just as much as I do. I have been blessed with a man who shares in life’s messes with me, but I can’t ignore his needs as he tries to help fulfill mine.
Another way to put it, relationships are like gardens and if they aren’t tended to they become a mess. Unfortunately, the beginning of a breakdown in a relationship is way more subtle than a whole bunch of weeds popping up. Which is why it is so important to be intentional about reconnecting and supporting each other. There is something to be said for getting a break from “parent-immersion”, and the great side benefit is it will help strengthen the relationship between you and your spouse: the original relationship of your family, it’s origin story. Protect it.
God Bless!