Parents, grandparents, we’ve all been here….yes, the proverbial one-word answer you get from your child when you ask, “How was your day?”. Does this bother any of you? Because it was something that didn’t sit well with my husband and I and we strategized how to stop the “fine” or “okay” or “meh” answers. We really wanted to know how their day went. Honestly, this is an area where kids, and especially teens, need to be heard because so much happens that they internalize. We need to get them comfortable with talking to us again.
Something happens around the time of middle school where kids begin to withdraw. No longer are they that innocent child that shares every aspect of their day….every aspect. Some of it is normal development as their mental processes shift from the world around them to the internal self. But could some of this have been our fault? Did we get “tired” of hearing every little detail and inadvertently become distant or dismissive in our responses? Totally possible. Ugh, parent fail!
So, a few years ago, my husband and I employed a system of conversation with our children where we no longer would accept one-word answers. We started by having them tell us what they didn’t like about their day. It could be one thing, it could be a few things; it could be a “big” thing or it could be very minor. Then, they had to tell us no less than three things they liked about their day. Again, it could be big things or small things (i.e.: I got out of bed on time). Their answers didn’t have to be long, in fact, most of the time they gave us a “Cliff Notes list” (if you remember what Cliff Notes are!). We started with the “bad” first so that we could end with the positive/on a “good” note. This was done intentionally to ensure that their brain had shifted to a more positive state by the end of the conversation. By doing this, even if they just gave a list of short answers, it did get them to talk and think about their day and communicate to us. From there, we would try to “read between the lines” as to what type of overall day they had, if there are any “red flags” and if there were any joys to emphasize. We would ask questions about their responses, and sometimes the answers were short, but it was baby steps to our ultimate goal.
Today, my children have become much more open about sharing their experiences with us. It is by no means perfect, but I do feel that we communicate with our children enough to have an idea of how they are doing – especially mentally – while still respecting their privacy. We emphasize with them that, no matter what it is, they can come talk to us. We do not hide the possibility that there could be consequences, but we talk through those consequences and why they are necessary. We also discuss ways to trouble shoot the problem and how to avoid the issue in the future, if possible.
I hope you have found our strategy helpful and are able to employ something similar if you find yourself facing the same type of communication problem we did.